So, you’re planning to marry an Iranian!

If you’ve been together awhile, chances are you’re already familiar with some of their cultural nuances: the all-encompassing family unit, generous hospitality, pride in their history and cultural heritage, and lots of gatherings with food and music!

However, being an outsider, it can definitely be difficult to navigate the more complex expectations and traditional rules of conduct ingrained in Persian culture. As with any union between people of different cultures, there will be some confusion, judgement, and misunderstanding. But all of that is normal! Adjusting to any new culture – especially Persian culture – takes time and an open mind. In the meantime, here are some key elements to help you adjust as a new member of the Persian family!

Cultural Etiquette

This first point applies to anyone marrying into a different culture. Having an open mind and heart, and doing your best to communicate will help tremendously in getting started on the right foot.

We’ve all heard of disastrous meetings with in-laws. Whether these happened because of obvious things, like uncourteous behavior, or less obvious things, like cultural misunderstandings, it’s good to do some homework beforehand (I know, homework!). Ask your partner what their parents are expecting. Ask about cultural expectations and rules of conduct. Ask about what you should wear.

As a general rule, it’s always a good idea to dress your best, take a gift or flowers, and display an overall pleasant and courteous demeanor. Even if you’re not well-versed in a culture’s ways, people will appreciate your attention and intention.

Now let’s get more specific with what you can do when marrying into an Iranian family.

Embracing Diversity & Persian Heritage

As one of the oldest countries in the world, Iran has a rich cultural heritage that Iranians proudly uphold. They will take any opportunity to defend their history, literature, family, and educational values. To an outsider this may seem boastful and maybe even pushy, but it is also a source of national pride and unity. Keeping this in mind will help you connect with your loved one’s family.

Something else to keep in mind is that families connect with people who value the same things, so it’s definitely a good idea to share about your own cultural background and family history. Remember, Iranians value family, so it’s important for them to see that you do too. This sharing of cultures creates the perfect opportunity to connect, and both families can learn and grow together.

In these meetings, you should also expect to learn about Persian celebrations. There are many seasonal and cultural celebrations which all Iranians observe, from festivities surrounding Norouz (the New Year), to celebrations marking the change of seasons such as Yalda, Saddeh, Tirgan, etc. All have roots in ancient times and highlight the wisdom and beauty of the natural elements.

These celebrations always include rituals and decorative arrangements as well as food, poetry, and music. Embrace these; use them as an opportunity to become closer to nature and to have some fun. These celebrations also include singing, dancing, and the occasional leaps over fire! But don’t worry, the in-laws will keep you safe (so stay on their good side!).

Family vs. Individual

If there was only one point you could take away from this article, it should be this:

To marry an Iranian is to marry their family! The family unit in Iranian culture is exactly that, a single unit! And this unit extends beyond the nuclear family to include grandparents, aunts and uncles, and more.

Here are some key details to remember regarding Iranian family units:

• Individuals are constantly in touch, whether through regular in-person gatherings, or through frequent (sometimes daily) phone calls.

• The family unit acts as a support network. When a member has a problem, the others try to help in any way possible, intervene, give financial and emotional support, and so on.

• Decisions are made by consulting elders/heads of families. No matter how old you are, this is always an expectation. To the Western individually focused culture, this may seem too intrusive and controlling. But if you understand where this mentality comes from, you also realize that the upside is that you are never alone.

So keep this in mind next time your spouse’s entire family gets involved in what color your wedding flowers should be. Remember it’s not them trying to be controlling -- this level of involvement is normal for Persian culture! While couples outside of Iran tend to make most wedding-related decisions, in Iran, this responsibility falls on the family of the couple.

Remember and remind others that the whole point of the wedding is to celebrate the union of two individuals and their communities. Keep that in mind and be honest and respectful about your own wishes as well as the practices of the older generations. Help them understand that things are different, and you are different, but also accept their input so they feel heard and included in decisions.

The Bottom Line with Persian Families: Kindness Goes a Long Way!

Although most Iranian families tend to be firm in their belief system and values, they are also very supportive of their children and their decisions. The prospect of their children finding a partner and marrying is so important that even the most conversative parents embrace and welcome their in-laws with open arms.

When compared to other cultures from the Middle East (Afghani, Arab, Jewish, Pakistani, etc.), Iranians tend to intermarry the most and are flexible in their adopting and adapting to other cultures. As long as you’re respectful and interested, Iranians will love you for trying.

And as long as they see that their child’s partner is caring and wants the best for their child, they will go above and beyond in supporting the relationship!

(Note: “Persian” and “Iranian” are used interchangeably in this article).